Sunday, July 01, 2007

Dorkus Californicus: An Explorers Diary

On Friday, the 29th of June in the year of the lord 2007, a few friends and I went on an expedition to observe the Common West Coast Dork (dorkus califonicus) in it's natural habitat.

17:45 -- The 4 hour managers meeting finally ends. I drop my laptop on my desk, grab my cell phone and jog over to the parking garage, calling my co-explorers on the way over to reconfirm the meeting point

17:54 -- After a short, but harrowing trip down I-680, a 5 lane exit swoop, and two traffic lights, I park at the old Andronico's garage and power walk the one block down to B&N, the well known purveyors of crappy books.

17:55 -- The first dorkus come within sight.

17:56 -- We meet up and set up our main blind outside California Pizza Kitchen across the street from the dorkus' feeding grounds. Drea has devastating news: Prima is full, so we frantically send out an expedition to secure a table at Va de Vi around the corner.

17:58 -- We settle down, break out the lattes and start observing the about 250 dorks who have lined up so far. Much to my surprise, only about half of the assembled specimens were the expected dorkus geekus, dorkus basementdwellerus, and dorkus hipsterus. In addition to a strong showing of dorka mallrattia and materna soccera, there are many normal looking people.
17:59 -- Closer to the source, dorkus dorkus takes over, though, easily recognizable by his plummage

And by white on blue territorial markers.

17:59:30 -- Intrepid ABC journos are also out in full force. From the look on the reporter's face, she'd very much prefer Falludja right now.

18:00 -- A collective sigh followed by hollering and clapping as THE SOURCE opens.
18:01 -- The first dorkus has captured it's prey and performs a wild dance to the whistling and clapping of the entire line before he is set upon by ABC 7's local interest reporter. (I think that job would make me kill myself). While she gushes into the camera, ABC cable guy 50 feet back is overheard cussing about 'fucking idiots, waste of time, and why can't they release this BEFORE the weekend.
18:10 -- The hunt is now in full swing: every 30-40 seconds, a new dorkus catches its prey, the line keeps hollering and high five-ing every time another dorkus leaves. It slowly gets boring, so we repair to Va to an expedition dinner.
8:10 -- One frisee salad and dungeness crab pot pie later, we walk back past the feeding ground. The line is still evident, but shorter now. Nobody from the first pride still seems to be in line, so at least $120,000 have been regurgitated.
8:11 -- We stumble across one of many dorkus debris piles

8:15 -- On the way back to my car, I spot a rare dorkus moorus with trademark Crocs. No line here.

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